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The thing she feared most was (also) her superpower, and cloaked as her greatest desire. For something she feared, she appeared (disappeared) to bring it onto herself. In black and gray, no baubles nor paint, she faced each day, plain-cast and bare. (Even her inner life had seemed to go dull).

This allowed her to slip into or out of a room. She could show up, witness, slide away unseen, and report back. To what audience, then? Did she want one? Would she project with her back to the lights or only whisper truths from a dark corner?

Shhh. Listen closely.

I am realizing that “normal” before the pandemic was not going so great for me. Not sure what all it was, thinking back, but I was going through some depression, definitely some anxiety, maybe some more stuff…hard to recall it all. It was manifesting as a lot of social avoidance and resulting loneliness, self-doubt, discomfort alone and discomfort with others.

I’ve been stretching those social muscles (with the occasional bouts of doubt) lately, and I find I like it, all doubt aside. I do not want to go back to my pre-pandemic “normal” (PPN).

I want to approach this world as I see it:

We are not separate (though we can hold boundaries).

Self-doubt may be borne of some level of self-absorption. I see my own social anxiety as an aspect of that self-absorption (doubt). Why (outside of respecting boundaries) should I concern myself so much with what anyone thinks of me, to the point of sometimes crippling self-doubt, avoidance and subsequent intense loneliness?

Other things I was not liking in my PPN: I spent a good deal of time, effort and money on entertainment – specifically to distract myself from the social anxiety>social avoidance>loneliness. (This has happened some of during the pandemic – but it’s less entertaining/distracting to get fancy meals and beverages in. I am not unhappy about my upgrade in electronics but could spend less time on them.

I notice I have been most content during the pandemic when:

• I connect with people.
• I work on projects.
• I hone skills (music, painting, etc)
• When I avoid…avoidance.
• Reading.
• Self-care – specifically meditating, writing through sh-t, being outdoors, engaging in creative projects, physicality -being outside, walking, biking, avoiding over-eating and -drinking, staying hydrated, taking vitamins, eating healthy, etc.
• Home care, taking care of my environment.
• People care (TK, Chris and his family, others) – this connects to the first.

I think in the late pandemic/post-(please)-pandemic phase, I need more of these. So yeah…I do not want to go “back”. I want to carry my healthy pandemic coping/living skills with me. I want more of the good stuff.

A friend recently asked whether one can separate art from the artist. I recently watched a documentary about Miles Davis. I am not a music or jazz aficionado, but something in his music has always struck me, it is special, a world apart.

Miles Davis, by all accounting, was more than a little “flawed” as a human being: I saw almost an apologist point of view from some interviewees concerning his treatment of women, for example. And I agree that cannot be dismissed. He was possessive, violent, self-absorbed, and self-destructive. At the same time, I consider the difficulty he experienced as an African American in the United States in the 20^th century(or any time) and the absolute and obvious artistry of his work.

He was a creative in the truest sense, connected so deeply to music, to its exploration, creation, and evolution, even expanding his musical sense into painting.  And yet he had his demons, and he took it out on others and on himself. It’s easy to see the genius and the trauma without dismissing the hurt and the harm.

So separate? Yes and no. Some of his music was borne directly of the relationships where he was clearly a bad actor, and thus cannot be separated. All of it was borne of pure artistry. The music, in some form or other, I think, would have poured out of that soul, regardless. Sometimes the channel is a damaged vessel, and the water pours anyway, much of it landing.

Having written, graphed, erased, re-written, and put a white board to more use than it expected, visual is not the best presentation for the ideas, ideals, activities and goals I want to pursue 2021. Too much overlap.

The focus is Care. The areas are myself, my environment, my relationships, my community (the world). (Start center, work outward, expect overlap). I have some daily, weekly, monthly, and yearly activities and goals to those ends. These goals, taken singularly, may be that ambitious, but 1. I have been lax (and don’t want to ignore those areas I haven’t been lax in either), and 2. there’s a lot of them. Thus, I commit at least to:

Daily: clean sink, make bed, get outside, read something other than social media. Spend minimum 6 p.m. to 7 p.m. on weekdays working on the weekly, monthly, and annual activities and goals; it is the time I feel most restless.  

Weekly: exercise 1.5 hours, meditation  1.5 hours, work on creative/skills stuff 1.5 hours, household/yard maintenance and beautification, 1.5 hours. Date night. Call family.

Monthly: friend date night/zoom night/art night; call a friend; write a letter or send a package; post here.

Annual Goals: lose 12 pounds (weigh-in this morning is 157.4 lbs. – the heaviest I’ve ever been aside from pregnancy), read 12 books, make 12 posts (not counting this one), write/send 12 letters or packages,  learn 6 songs, donate or volunteer 6 times, get my passport. 

Next up, I need to figure out how to stay on top of, track progress, hold myself accountable, and have a plan to get back on track should I need it. I’m curious how bullet journals, monks’ manuals, habit apps, etc. have worked for folks, or what else y’all are using to help keep you on track.

Looked “outside” and nope, not much has changed other than the intensity. It’ll still be there for me to tend to tomorrow. Today, I am tending to me.

The afternoon’s distractions included getting the stereo working, and starting a butter pie crust (it’s resting in the fridge for a couple of hours before rolling). The working stereo totally changes our stay-at-home game. Break Away Records on North Loop by the way, is wonderful!  I called over and they had the headphone jack adapter and new speaker wire I needed. (Old speaker wire had corroded – I think that was the issue.) Pulled it and brought it out when I walked over, confirmed my troubleshooting plan, and made sure I already had the tools I needed. Now the stereo sounds amazing with Erykah Badu blaring. Grateful that was the last CD I had tried to play, it was right there, ready to go. It does have a couple of skips. Time to research disc recovery (can they be polished or cleaned?) or go MP3 shopping. Then possibly to the hills for comet viewing. We’ll see.

Hope you had some kind of good in your day as well. Love from the home front.

Izzi